The Kazi Report - Guest Blog from Christian

Apologies to everyone not in the Atlanta area.

Further apologies to everyone who has already been harassed about this.

Solidarity to people who don't want a cat.

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We found a stray cat last week. I'd guess she's about 3 months old. Really cute, like most kittens. Standard issue tabby, I guess, but I'm not a cat expert. Seems healthy. Certainly has all of her teeth and claws.

Here's her picture: http://www.cluckingbell.com/images/DSC02246.JPG

We've been looking for her owners, but I'm exploring other options. I can't keep her myself, because we're dog people.

It's been five days that we have been held hostage by this kitten. We have given up and named her Kazi. It's short for "kamikaze," because every time I see her she is flinging herself into something, trying to cause as much damage as possible with no regard to her health and well-being. I honestly believe she would run right down one of my dogs' throats if she thought it would hurt them.

(For those of you who have The History Channel blocked on your TiVo, a kamikaze was a Japanese pilot during WWII who would load his plane down with explosives and deliberately crash into enemy ships, causing all kinds of damage. We know this because of interviews with the only kamikaze pilot to survive WWII. He actually flew 31 kamikaze missions before his commanding officers realized he didn't quite have the hang of it.)

(And, BTW, give The History Channel a chance. Sure, nine times out of10, it's some sort of 18-hour Hitler-thon, but sometimes something else sneaks in. I actually knew what a kamikaze was a long time ago, but Idid learn who shot down the Red Baron and why Custer got his butt so well and truly kicked.)

Obviously, my plan of sending this beast to Canada failed. So far.

I'm pretty sure now that when Kazi captured us, she was exhausted and underfed. Even then, she still managed to scratch the crap out of us. But now after five days of someplace warm and dry to sleep and plenty to eat -- she gets Kitten Chow, but we can't help but experiment; she likesstring cheese, LOVES veggie burgers, and does not like oatmeal -- she has her energy and her strength back. She is now this whirling dervishof teeth and claws.

Some of this we bring on ourselves, though. We can't resist messing with her. We're used to playing with dogs that range from 35 to 95 pounds, and they can take a beating with more patience than an 8-ounce cat. You can get a dog to wrestle and gnaw on you, although they will normally just grab your hand gently instead of chomping the bejeezus out of it. When they don't want to play any more, they just fall over on your lap and wait to be rubbed.

Not Kazi. Kazi gets more and more annoyed the longer you pester her. Her reflexes, speed, and strength all seem to increase as if she were The Hulk's cat. After just a few minutes, she's ready to kill you, your family, and your entire lineage. She will go dig up your ancestors' remains if she has to. We figure if we keep it up, eventually she'll get so angry that she'll explode in a red-hot ball of kitty rage.

And can I just say that you cat people out there are crazy. I have figured you out. They are so cute as kittens, but they are weak and clumsy, so you excuse their clearly homicidal behavior. By the time they grow out of being weak and clumsy, you have bonded and have fooled yourself into thinking that those deep gashes on your arms are signs of love and affection.

They are not. They are signs that your cat couldn't get to your neck.

Dogs, by comparison, are highly social. Some would say too social (and when a 125-pound wolf hybrid shoves her face into your crotch so hard it lifts you off the ground, I admit you may have a point). But dogs have been bred over the years to be companions, and the scratching and biting would have been bred (or at least kicked) out of the species over time. Cats were bred to be sprayed with Endust and chased under the bed.

Seriously. Who has ever strapped thyroid medicine to a cat's back and trusted it to be delivered to a hospital 200 miles away in driving snow? Who has ever fallen down a ravine and shouted "Whiskers! Go for help!"?

You cat people are thinking "You're not being fair. Cats are lovable and cuddly. They just don't have the strength to pull someone out of a canyon. And all that snow would make my little snuggly-wuggly all sicky-wicky." You are part of the problem. Did you pay to have your snuggly-wuggly declawed, or do you buy new furniture every six months?

You are a scratching post and a vending machine. Please, read up on the Stockholm Syndrome -- owning a cat is like having Stockholm Syndrome, but with Tender Vittles.

I can't walk into my bedroom without thick socks.

Ummm... okay, but seriously, this is a really cute and friendly kitty. Please adopt her. There's a free litter box, half a bag of cat litter,and a fresh box of Ace bandages in it for you.

You can save her. All she needs is someone who does not have dogs and does not make her eat oatmeal.

Take a look at this face again:http://www.cluckingbell.com/images/DSC02246.JPG

Go on. You know you wanna. I'm sure it's just us she hates. You will be different. She will love you with every ounce of her little black homicidal heart.

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http://www.CluckingBell.com

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